• Kids today are doing it wrong, or not enough, or something
• When you say that we should bump uglies, could you be more specific?
• Home Affairs set to crack down on MyColes Marriages
• If you gaze for long into The Abyss, honorary blackbelt James Cameron gazes also into you
• Serotonin-Nonrefundable Reuptake Inhibitors
• Ross’s eyesight hasn’t been the same since he was found in that Spencer Street Station locker in 1986
• The correct way to receive a compliment is to blush and sweat excessively while exiting at pace
• And I Nietzsche more than wantzsche
• The National Construction Workers’ Catcall Code (NCWCC) 2025
• Bitsy announces latest venture: ‘Imagine silent films but they’re podcasts’
• Recording pubes with Tchad Blake: ‘The Neumann KU 100 is my go-to for crotch work’
• New frontiers in heterodox economics: the television theory of value
• I do wonder where those bodyworkers keep your intestines while they’re manipulating your psoas muscle
• It was nine worse than 1984
• They fart in his general direction
• Nope, the advice offered here absolutely cannot be ‘Just Do It’

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This week, join Beautiful Fairy Princess and Captain Handsome as they effortlessly relate to the non-Facebook demographic by establishing

• a terrible nickname for the show
• that a mirtazapine prescription pairs best with an ice cream subscription
• that anhedonia isn’t that Welsh band from the ’90s
• a perverse rubric with which to deem chia seeds better than cocaine
• that men don’t read novels because at least one of those two things is no damn good
• that women are leading unions because at least one of those two things is no damn good
• that reading is (still) for suckers
• that being contactable is the worst
• that Napoleon would have been 5’10” on Tinder
• that you should probably consider drawing a beauty mark just above the corner of your mouth while you’re at it

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 26:36 — 24.3MB)

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An episode description in which I once again take some of my discarded episode titles and list them as bullet points in lieu of writing a proper thingy:

• Dream snorkel, come rescue me
• Nopin’ talkin’ ’bout rootin’
• Experimentieren mit Fleischstäben
• Don’t do you!
• Just acknowledging feelings all day
• The quirkiest of bugbears
• Massive Ordnance Penetrator-Intermodulator
• Please welcome to the stage Buster Bunking!
• 28 years of phallophotic retinopathy
• Ralph Plaines
• The Epstein [no relation] files
• Team The Netherlands: World Police

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 32:20 — 29.6MB)

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Self-explanatory, as always:

• I’m bad with names but I could identify that service set anywhere
• Hitch: the elite private schooldog born with a silver bone in his mouth
• The nose Mohs
• Calling the Cancer Council helpful would be the real charity
• Do you even stairlift, bro?
• Helen loses a dress size by not exercising and Ross loses 103cm of height on the Peterson Diet
• Swedish nutballs
• The X axis represents time, the Y axis represents pleasure, and the Z axis represents evil
• What we’ve got here is an epic fail to communicate
• Ross Zombie
• Heavy is the sex that wears the studded leather glove
• Which came first: the chicken or the industrial rock artist?

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In honour of Dr Gary Foley’s recent 75th birthday, Beautiful Fairy Princess continues with her dastardly plan to publish his complete biography in podcast form before Tony Birch has the chance to write any of it down. Besides, reading is for suckers, which is why I’m just going to trail off …

… Ugh, fine. Stories included feature the likes of John Webster, Marcia Langton, Germaine Greer, Bob Bellear, Paul Coe, Gary Williams, Pat O’Shane, Chicka Dixon, Bob Maza, Ken and Sacha Horler, Ray Peckham, Joe Strummer, and more! Plus, Bird Ferguson briefly steals the show.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:12:27 — 66.3MB)

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See, kids? I know video games. Oh, and it’s a true crime podcast now, so that’s all the listener demographics covered. Also:

• Ross Thee Stallion
• Achtung! Unverhohlener Volkswagen-Diebe!
• But first, Clive James
• A potato disc by any other name
• Hustle & Flowchart
• Rösse Car
• Abuse Me Elmo
• Spam Harris
• Who’s bad?
• I thought Dr Peter McGraw was married to Oprah or something
• Neuroblobology (it’s how the Predator sees your feelings)
• It was all Glenfiddich and elbow patches in my day
• Adorno: The 50-year-old Virgo
• Temple of the Cow
• The way to a rat’s heart is through its tickle-hole
• Kill the spiders in John Butler’s hair with the knife he forged
• In terms of running it to ground
• His lovely crimey lumps
• Neuroblobology II (it’s how the Predator sees your racism)
• Sociobiology: hard-wired for untestable hypotheses

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 44:43 — 40.9MB)

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Lured by the undeniable architectural triumph that is the newly unveiled Feminist Wing at Floate Library—it didn’t take very long, either—our prodigal heroes return to say things directly at each other’s faces. Some of those things:

• Inclu-Size Me
• Learning to fly (choice of socks is the hardest thing)
• Talk of circadian rhythm
• Buckminster: Full of it?
• The Great Biographer Theory of History
• Stone Temple Co-passengers
• Poor person’s business class
• Irredeemable: One framed portrait of the monarch’s consort, please
• Consciously uncoupling from news
• It’s the pantyhose women that give her, give her, give her the pantyhose blues
• MobLandia
• On not growing up to be Helen Mirren and/or Christina Hendricks
• Is it possible that Guy Ritchie isn’t actually shit?
• You gotta partition your magisteria
• The Naivety Spectrum
• Brown Eye for the Brown Owl

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 50:33 — 46.3MB)

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They call him Captain Handsome but his name was Elisa Day. Nicknames, huh. Where do they come from? Beautiful Fairy Princess seems to think that the answer is ChatDSV, which I understand to be both a telepathic dolphin who loves subroutines—which are evil, unlike normal routines, which are natural and good—and her only companion since the breakdown of the quarantediation process. I probably should have split that last sentence up a bit but I did not want to risk remembering it by stopping partway through, plus I am working to a kitchen timer of indeterminate duration.

Also:
• Chairman Mao’s Red Braised Porkies
• Taken for a Wildean ride
• In Seattle, Washington, mushroom eats you!
• ‘… the best way out is always Theroux’ – Robert Frost, 1915
• What if Regus Patoff but tall?

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 32:05 — 29.4MB)

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With the reciprocal intervention orders from The Tiff still in effect, they’ve gone remote again this week. The sound is always shitty over Riverside—as I believe Captain Handsome’s favourite band Travis sang—but whaddaya gonna do? Run it through some magic AI thingy that makes both hosts sound like the Theranos lady? Ugh, these two weirdos would probably love that. No, you put it in the episode description like a puddle of wee to rub their noses in and teach them a lesson, that’s what. Anyway, in case you can’t make it out, they talked about these things:

• Substacking well
• You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it’ll always be Burma to Ross
• The burgeoning Voluntary Quarantine Movement
• Essential workers never did get that raise we all said they should, huh
• Windexing one’s apples, so to speak
• Burgess, the patron saint of shut-ins
• Blooze lawyers bought all the guitars
• Thatcher? I hardly know her!
• Hitch-33⅓: The Final Insult
• Fuggen A. Hayek: because prices, not podcasts, communicate information
• Sigmund and his day-bed made of snow
• Polanyi: because maybe prices don’t so much communicate information as obscure it
• The burgeoning Planned Geriatric Intemperance Movement
• Hamm!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 37:10 — 34.0MB)

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