Episode 14: Glory Hatch; or, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a 99.4-odd Batting Average

April 13, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your vegan sandals ’cause it’s hot out there today! It’s hot out there every day; what is this, the Jagajaga Federal Electorate? Not hardly, but it is the perfect time for both frozen gazpacho and blue-ballsing some ASMR weirdos with an empty promise of eating noises. Also, Dr Tom Heenan takes time out from his busy private posthumous psychiatric practice to excise a stupid expression or two, espouse the virtues of bullshit, and rubbish Tidy Towns!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 40:20 — 36.9MB)

Episode 13: Consumer Affairs’ Most Wanted; or, Apnoeite for Reconstruction

April 6, 2025April 6, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

No man is an island, even Captain Handsome, who recently returned from an island and would now very much like to be one but has instead settled for erecting a set of boundaries around himself as though he were a patch of arable land in fifteenth-century England. (Those guys said that it was ‘necessary’ for ‘improvement’ too, you know.) Also wrongly, Beautiful Fairy Princess criticises the term ‘lived experience’ for implying its opposite, and postgraduate education for being pointless, before questioning the universal appeal of equine-human–human relationships, which makes it all the more painful to know that she will never read my forthcoming postdoctoral thesis, ’Stable for Two: A Speculative Autoethnographic Study of My Alternate Life Spent Brushing Glorious Horselady Andrea Savage’.

Plus:
• Reading with one’s eyes makes an unexpected comeback
• The nascent anti-generativity movement
• Hitchslappers™: gloves for patting Ross’ dog
• The CPAP machine-based economy
• Sleep vs. sex, and if you quote the Old El Paso ad I’m calling the police
• The ongoing crisis of sext response times
• Substacking it in
• Decrease your word power today!
• Yah, yah, Pendah Mawt
• My brother knows a guy who knows Belle Gibson

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 39:18 — 36.0MB)

Episode 12: You’ve Gotta Be Judicious With Lube; or, Kill the John Butler in Your Head With the Knife He Forged

March 30, 2025March 30, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Finally back in Captain Handsome’s home office/studio/Idi Amin shrine after two weeks spent hitting, smashing, beckoning, summoning, upsizing, vaccinating, and otherwising, our intrepid hosts are fresh out of Gs and have never felt more amazin’ (that could just be the argon leak, though). Plus, all of these self-explanatory things:

• White Lotus Country for an Old Man

• The Further Adventures of Lumpy Floatum

• Are you down with BFP’s BCC?

• You like palanquin and I like sedan chair (let’s call the whole thing off)

• Parker Posey? Can’t lose!

• Dux of CliffNotes College

• The taintal twinge of terrible tunes (ft. Tim Rogers and Ollie Olsen)

• Misappropriating cultural appropriation

• ‘Futurebob’

• Spooky Holes, Part 1 of 37

• The frogurt is still cursed (that’s bad)

• Quirky hotel criticism: the last refuge of the antidentite

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 39:32 — 36.2MB)

Episode 11: A Very Special Episode; or, Please Send Help

March 23, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

All work and no play makes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no play mmakes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no PLay ma es Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no play makes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no ply mAkes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no pllay makes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no play makes Bitsy a dullboy

All work and NO play makes BItsya dull boy

All work and no play makes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no play mAkes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no play makes Bitsy a dull boy

All work and no play maked Bitsy a dull boy

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 9:12 — 8.4MB)

Episode 10: Travis of Nazareth; or, Manifest Density

March 16, 2025March 16, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

This week, our heroes are fearlessly testing the limits of remote recording technology. As will be apparent, Beautiful Fairy Princess has opted to record in an abandoned grain silo, whereas Captain Handsome joins us from twenty thousand leagues under the sea. Thence, they dare jointly pose the bold and entirely original question, ‘war: what is it good for?’ Those who tune in will not only learn that the answer is roughly eight minutes of solid content but can also expect to hear a snippet from the second-best song ever to be called Good Vibrations!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 38:40 — 35.4MB)

Episode 9: Role Models Inc.; or, A Gentleman Doesn’t Sing and Tell

March 10, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

1. EXT/INT. LENIN SHIPYARD. BLOOD RED SKY

WE OPEN on a woman, HELEN (36), beautiful, fairylike yet somehow regal, speaking into a microphone.

HELEN

This episode is all about film!

FRANCIS

I shall speak only of dogs.

ROSS

I, too, shall speak of dogs but also of role models

and curated obituary delivery as a service. I might

briefly mention David Michôd if you are lucky.

CINNAMON

I shall sing of dogs.

HELEN

This episode was all about film!

FADE OUT

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 25:13 — 23.1MB)

Episode 8: Lolito; or, Private Eyes are Apple Watching You

March 2, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Meatloaf assures us that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, but can he be trusted? Neither Uber nor those responsible for the Net Promoter Score seem to think so, with the former suggesting that anything under 4.7 out of 5 is not good, and the latter refusing to even count anything under an 8 out of 10. Let’s see, that gives us a common denominator of 30 but, ugh, there’s also a decimal point in the mix, so … 361 out of 450 ain’t, according to the average, bad. That’s 2.40667 out of 3, or 8.0222 out of 10.* Therefore, we can reliably infer that the Net Promoter Score people’s decision was in no way arbitrary; rather, it stems from the utmost statistical rigour, derived as it so clearly was from the mean of the two figures originally proffered by Meatloaf and Uber. Oh, but then there’s also Beautiful Fairy Princess, who reckons that anything over 16 is good to go, so who knows.

*My sincere thanks to the toddler at Fairfield Station for his assistance with these conversions

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 38:00 — 34.8MB)

Episode 7: Kentucky Fried Chatham House Rule; or, To All the Things We’ve Loathed Before

February 23, 2025February 24, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Hopped up on Quartiers d’Orange and sundry other entremets from the local footy, Beautiful Fairy Princess seeks routine from a smartwatch in the lead-up to the Masters Games. Will she, like Captain Handsome before her, someday achieve a general equilibrium in her dynamically stochastic lifestyle? Is that how one constructs a question in order to shoehorn in an extremely convoluted and disputably humorous reference to New Keynesian macroeconomic theory in the hopes of eliciting a self-satisfied half-smirk of recognition from a handful of wonks? As our hosts have bilaterally imposed a mandatory opinion lockdown, I am not at liberty to comment, so let us just assume that our information is symmetric. (Another one! Ahh, classic Bitsy.)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 28:42 — 26.3MB)

Episode 6: Funky Science Patina; or, Thrown Into Denim Relief

February 16, 2025February 24, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Set your intention to stunned as Captain Handsome goes in search of lost pills, including one which promises to catapult him to the ultimate stage of evolution by transforming him into a being of pure energy within Virtual Space Industries’ mainframe and connecting him to all the world’s computer systems, which would presumably be helpful for his internet-making job. Meanwhile, Beautiful Fairy Princess—armed only with a basket of symptoms, and unwisely rockin’ Rolla’s—bravely does battle with a printworm, a faulty toilet, the integral state, scientism, and a pigeon couple.

Will it be enough to save us all from the tyranny of Thought Leaders? Do we need an ethnography of LinkedIn? Are Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Elisabeth Shue and Elizabeth Berkley all the same person? Is the real spark-based economy the friends we made along the way? Tune in to find out!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 31:49 — 29.1MB)

Episode 5: Pirate Coles Radio; or, This Is 36

February 9, 2025February 24, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

What to say about Bossy Rossy this week? That he’s for incentives? Sure. That he’s against negotiation, particularly with himself? Clearly. That he causes arousal in weirdos? Apparently. That he’s driven away his personal trainer? I mean … it does kind of sound like that might be the case, yeah. Which is sad.

But what of [insert topical rhyming name here] Helen? Is she, like Jacques Lacan, every woman? Perhaps. Will she ever fulfil her destiny by killing Brené Brown? Doubtful. Did she clear any of the music that she plays in this episode? Reply hazy; try again. Has she unwittingly recreated an iconic Mr Show sketch by asking listeners to email her in response to episodes recorded weeks in advance? Write to her and find out!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 36:57 — 33.8MB)