Episode 8: Lolito; or, Private Eyes are Apple Watching You

March 2, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Meatloaf assures us that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad, but can he be trusted? Neither Uber nor those responsible for the Net Promoter Score seem to think so, with the former suggesting that anything under 4.7 out of 5 is not good, and the latter refusing to even count anything under an 8 out of 10. Let’s see, that gives us a common denominator of 30 but, ugh, there’s also a decimal point in the mix, so … 361 out of 450 ain’t, according to the average, bad. That’s 2.40667 out of 3, or 8.0222 out of 10.* Therefore, we can reliably infer that the Net Promoter Score people’s decision was in no way arbitrary; rather, it stems from the utmost statistical rigour, derived as it so clearly was from the mean of the two figures originally proffered by Meatloaf and Uber. Oh, but then there’s also Beautiful Fairy Princess, who reckons that anything over 16 is good to go, so who knows.

*My sincere thanks to the toddler at Fairfield Station for his assistance with these conversions

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 38:00 — 34.8MB)

Episode 7: Kentucky Fried Chatham House Rule; or, To All the Things We’ve Loathed Before

February 23, 2025February 24, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Hopped up on Quartiers d’Orange and sundry other entremets from the local footy, Beautiful Fairy Princess seeks routine from a smartwatch in the lead-up to the Masters Games. Will she, like Captain Handsome before her, someday achieve a general equilibrium in her dynamically stochastic lifestyle? Is that how one constructs a question in order to shoehorn in an extremely convoluted and disputably humorous reference to New Keynesian macroeconomic theory in the hopes of eliciting a self-satisfied half-smirk of recognition from a handful of wonks? As our hosts have bilaterally imposed a mandatory opinion lockdown, I am not at liberty to comment, so let us just assume that our information is symmetric. (Another one! Ahh, classic Bitsy.)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 28:42 — 26.3MB)

Episode 6: Funky Science Patina; or, Thrown Into Denim Relief

February 16, 2025February 24, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Set your intention to stunned as Captain Handsome goes in search of lost pills, including one which promises to catapult him to the ultimate stage of evolution by transforming him into a being of pure energy within Virtual Space Industries’ mainframe and connecting him to all the world’s computer systems, which would presumably be helpful for his internet-making job. Meanwhile, Beautiful Fairy Princess—armed only with a basket of symptoms, and unwisely rockin’ Rolla’s—bravely does battle with a printworm, a faulty toilet, the integral state, scientism, and a pigeon couple.

Will it be enough to save us all from the tyranny of Thought Leaders? Do we need an ethnography of LinkedIn? Are Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Elisabeth Shue and Elizabeth Berkley all the same person? Is the real spark-based economy the friends we made along the way? Tune in to find out!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 31:49 — 29.1MB)

Episode 5: Pirate Coles Radio; or, This Is 36

February 9, 2025February 24, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

What to say about Bossy Rossy this week? That he’s for incentives? Sure. That he’s against negotiation, particularly with himself? Clearly. That he causes arousal in weirdos? Apparently. That he’s driven away his personal trainer? I mean … it does kind of sound like that might be the case, yeah. Which is sad.

But what of [insert topical rhyming name here] Helen? Is she, like Jacques Lacan, every woman? Perhaps. Will she ever fulfil her destiny by killing Brené Brown? Doubtful. Did she clear any of the music that she plays in this episode? Reply hazy; try again. Has she unwittingly recreated an iconic Mr Show sketch by asking listeners to email her in response to episodes recorded weeks in advance? Write to her and find out!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 36:57 — 33.8MB)

Episode 4: A Nude Night’s Tale; or, Permashazamming the Viagra Boys

February 2, 2025February 23, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Having successfully recovered from a debilitating bout of Third Episode Syndrome at a place built like a marble schvitzhouse, Beautiful Fairy Princess discovers that self-loathing is expensive; a harsh truth that also sounds like it could have been the first-draft title for the song from M*A*S*H. And, hey, speaking of both sounding like something and song titles, Shazamming is a thing—much like invisible work, disobeying signs, fetishising suffering, wanting to help, using ten-dollar words, attending Auditorium Music Tests, and no longer reading books—that some people do.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 40:51 — 37.4MB)

Episode 3: The Unbeatable Weight of Massive Blanket; or, How Come Everybody Wanna Keep It Like the Kieser?

January 26, 2025February 23, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Join our heroes as they brutally interrogate Francis Leach for fitness tips, quickly veer off into a line of questioning more befitting a Catalina Wine Mixer attendee, and then eventually regain focus. Later, Beautiful Fairy Princess concedes that there is use getting into heavy bedding, a website address is belatedly announced, old adult readers of young adult fiction are rightly condemned, the brand new academic field of Slab Economics is founded, Captain Handsome reveals his favourite flavour of Metamucil, and I think maybe Johann Hari kills Colonel Gaddafi at some point but it’s possible that my mind wandered during that bit because this is a pretty long episode.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:10:52 — 64.9MB)

Episode 2: Just the Right Amount of Succulence; or, Discerning Podcasts for the Gen Xer Are Elon’s Kind of Bag, Baby

January 20, 2025February 25, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Stop all the clocks and cut off the telephone because it’s Vanity Project time again. These stars ARE wanted. Signal your clever and tasteful preferences by joining the growing but nonetheless very hard cadre of people who listen to Vanity Project only so that they can say they don’t listen to Vanity Project today!*

*The hosts accept no responsibility for any additional Holmes and Rahe Life Change Units that may accrue to cadre members as a result of listening to this podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 34:16 — 31.4MB)

Episode 1: The First Pancake; or, The Batter Angel of Our Nature

January 13, 2025February 23, 2025 ~ Bitsy von Muffling

Meet Ross and Helen, hosts of your new third-favourite podcast!

Some might call them sexy, if by ‘some’ and ‘them’ we mean ‘they’ and ‘themselves’, and by ‘might’ we mean ‘routinely’. Others might call them middle-aged, if said others were feeling charitable at the time. Perhaps fewer would call them heroes but, look, everything is subjective.

All that anyone can say for certain is that Ross and Helen have a podcast, it is ostensibly about health and wellness, and you are about to fall deeply and irrevocably in love.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 27:17 — 25.0MB)